Anger is an emotional response that’s generally destructive; it aims to remove a threat to one’s well-being. But my anger is almost always rising up in me when I’m not in any danger: I’m not actually being threatened at all, yet I feel threatened.
This usually happens when I feel I am being disrespected; I feel disvalued when someone mocks, insults or wrongfully accuses me. Rather than simply acknowledging the offensive behavior for what it is (a broken sinner doing what comes naturally, whom God has chosen not to restrain), I act as if it meaningfully impacts my personal worth as an individual. This is, of course, a lie (1Co 4:3), but it’s one I tend to believe when I’m not grounded, focused and paying attention. (Pr 4:23)
The truth is, of course, God values me infinitely; He went to the Cross to rescue me, to redeem me from all iniquity and purify me unto Himself. (Ti 2:14) Nothing can ever separate me from His love and care. (Ro 8:38-39) All insults, mockings and accusations are irrelevant from a personal value perspective; they are altogether less than nothing. (Ps 62:9) Full stop.
The proper response to offensive behavior is to pay attention: listen and learn. (Ps 39:1) What is this person really saying about me? (Pr 18:17) What are they revealing about themselves? (Pr 20:11)
Are they exposing a belief or behavior in my life which I can adjust to become a better me? If so, this is a precious gift (Pr 15:32): God’s gracious answer to my daily waking prayer, that He would show me where I can improve. (Ps 139:23-24) Others can see our flaws much better than we can (Mt 7:3), so, regardless of the source or how it’s delivered, like finding a big gold nugget in the sewer — sift it out, clean it up (Pr 23:23) and be wealthier for it. (Pr 12:1)
But suppose in the offense there’s nothing evident for me to work on, what then? Again: listen and learn; rather than trying to even the score or holding a grudge (Le 19:11), try to understand my neighbor a little bit better. Why are they coming against me? (Php 2:4) Do they feel threatened? Are they acting out of a soul wound or a lie? Is there anything I can say or do to bless them, and point them in the right direction? (Mt 5:44) Show them some love and light? (Mt 5:16) How can I overcome evil with good? (Ro 12:21)
It’s hard for me to think of others when I feel vulnerable and threatened myself; my instinct is to protect and defend my own well-being by destroying those who threaten me. But this is sowing evil seed (Ga 6:7-8); it doesn’t help. (Pr 22:8) It’s letting pride get the best of me (Pr 29:28); it won’t work the righteousness of God (Ja 1:20) and I will soon regret lashing out. (Pr 11:2)
When I feel anger rising up in me, I need to slow down (Ja 1:19) and calm myself (Ec 7:9), check my real motives and not act on it right away. (Pr 14:29); If delaying my anger won’t endanger me or others it can wait (Pr 19:11); righteous anger will be so tomorrow, and sleeping on it will help me sort out my motives. (Ep 4:26)
To cease from anger as an instinctive response to personal offenses (Ps 37:8), I must be grounded in the love of Christ (Ep 3:17-18); then, filled with the fullness of God (19), I’m free to consider others in the midst of conflict and focus on helping them find The Way.