In the story of the forgiven woman (Lk 7:47), Christ reveals a natural correlation between love for Him and a perception of how much one has been forgiven. So, if I only love Christ Jesus a little bit, this is because I think I have only been forgiven a little bit.
This is certainly a key to help me grow in my love for Yeshua Messiah, into an overwhelming appreciation and thanksgiving for His willingness to redeem me: I may explore my own forgiveness by exploring my own sinfulness, for all my sin is primarily against Christ, the eternal Creditor with Whom I have to deal. (He 4:13) So, how much have I been forgiven?
It isn’t hard to acknowledge that my sins are many, and that they’re inexcusable. (Ro 3:19) Yet these are merely the sins I am aware of, which I can recall, and I happen to think they are not so very bad; I have never been drunk or murdered anyone, nor ever even wanted to experience sex outside of marriage. I’ve been pretty good so far, at least by human standards. (2Co 10:12)
But there are certainly many other sins long forgotten, where I knew I was sinning against God and was only afraid of being caught. Of these I have also been freely forgiven. Yet even then, being forgiven a bit of youthful mischief doesn’t move my heart to tears. (Ps 25:7)
Then I must proceed in faith to acknowledge that these are not the worst of my sins, for I have learned to measure sin by the harm I think it causes others, and whether I think they deserve it or not. (Ge 3:22a)
Yet God does not measure sin this way; He evaluates sin based on how I have disvalued and dishonored Him — in other words, He is looking at my behavior in light of the First and Great Command, that I love Jehovah God with my whole heart, with my entire being. (Mt 22:37-38)
In other words, the greatest of my sins are in violating the greatest command, and these sins are against an infinitely worthy God, so they are effectively infinite in degree or magnitude (Ps 103:11): I really have no idea how much God has actually forgiven me. (Is 6:5) So, I am, in fact, largely clueless about the very worst of my sins; the severity is largely hidden from me. (Is 64:6)
And further, as if this were not enough, what of all the sin I would have committed, even as a believer, if God had not mercifully intervened and restrained me? (Ge 20:6) What manner of sin lies hidden here, for which I would certainly be guilty had God not been holding me back all this time? (Php 2:13) This is certainly real, yet also a bit clinical and academic: I struggle to appreciate it fully from my heart.
Ultimately, I must also consider my eternal fate if Father God had not chosen me to salvation through sanctification of the Spirit and belief of the truth. (2Th 2:13) What horrendous crimes might I have committed apart from the irresistible grace of God? These might have exceeded the depravity of every other living soul, past present and future. Since I would certainly have committed them if God had left me entirely to myself, I must account that I have been released even from these, though I did not actually commit them. (1Ti 1:15)
Until I can stand alongside the forgiven woman, weeping with rejoicing before Jesus Christ in overwhelming appreciation for the infinite mercy He has lavished upon me, washing His feet with my tears, I need God to continue to help me understand the infinite magnitude of my sin, and the incredible mercy He has shown me in saving my soul from death. (1Ti 1:16)
The place to return and wait for such grace is the foot of the Cross, the throne of grace (He 4:16), contemplating the infinite price Christ Jesus freely paid on my behalf. A lesser penalty would indeed have been altogether insufficient to cover my crimes.
The King Himself, Who has every right to destroy me, has chosen instead to love me and wash me from my sins in His own blood. (Re 1:5) It cost Him everything to do this for me … literally everything. (He 4:16) It makes perfect sense to start here, and stay here, until I get it. (1Co 2:2) He will help me. (Ro 7:24-25a)