I have often struggled with self-confidence, insecurity, feeling tense, uneasy, routinely second-guessing my abilities, decisions and beliefs. I don’t admire this quality, either in myself or others. I’ve wondered how to develop godly self-confidence.
What exactly is self-confidence? We might define it as a feeling of certainty, assurance, strength and peace when making decisions, resulting in a humble assertiveness, boldness, decisiveness and stability. It’s evidently on a spectrum; there are degrees of confidence. And it might also vary within the same person in different scenarios; we might feel confident in some contexts and not others.
If we look for godly examples and mentors, we should first meditate on the ultimate embodiment of self-confidence: Jesus Christ. As a man, He was so supremely confident it was astonishing to those who experienced Him. (Mt 7:28-29)
The opposite of self-confidence is evidently unbelief, fear and doubt: fear of failure, fear of Man, wanting to please others (Ga 1:10), fear of being mocked, persecuted, disrespected or excluded from relationships. (1Jn 4:18) This is ultimately grounded in mistrusting God. (Is 26:3)
We can have confidence in our physical and/or intellectual abilities, skills and knowledge, and in our interpersonal skills in navigating complex relationships and social contexts, and in our relationship with God Himself. (2Co 5:6-7) Since they relate to different life dimensions we ought to treat each area differently.
Confidence in our abilities and skills may be developed by disciplining and training ourselves, learning about our aptitudes and pushing ourselves to become stronger and more capable. (Pr 22:29, Ps 18:34) Knowing ourselves through experience is evidently the key to this type of self-confidence.
And we should note that developing such confidence is godly. Refusing to acknowledge, appreciate, develop and leverage the gifts God has graciously given us to serve Him is to sin against both Wisdom and Love. (Ep 4:7-8, Ja 1:17) Neglecting them is generally grounded in ungodly fear (2Ti 1:7), which despises God Himself. (Mt 25:24-26)
Confidence in interpersonal contexts may be mere presumption, assuming we’re right because we hate being wrong, but this is pride, an abomination to God (Pr 16:5), thinking more highly of ourselves than we ought. (Ga 6:3) The fear of God shuts this down (Pr 9:10), moving us to consider differing points of view and learn from others (Ja 1:19), without doubting our own ability to know and rest in the truth (1Jn 2:21) because we trust God to reveal it to us. (1Jn 2:20)
So, how do we know what to say or do in a given relational circumstance? If we cannot control how others will respond (and we can’t), and we’re not to be primarily concerned with what others think of us (1Co 4:3), or to assume we’re right by default (1Co 8:2), how then can we be confident we’re doing/saying the right thing, at the right time, in the right way?
It must come down to motive. The fact is, when we’re serving others in love and wisdom rather than in foolishness and selfishness, we fulfill the ultimate moral law. (Ro 13:10) Second-guessing this is to sin against the highest good. If we’re aligned with Love, and thus aligned with God Himself (1Jn 4:8), what is there to be afraid of, regardless of the outcome? (1Jn 4:18) Even if we miss the mark on occasion, at least it isn’t moral failure — it’s a growth opportunity: it’s nothing to fear because we’re building on a solid foundation. (Mt 7:24-25)
Christ-like confidence is thus grounded in proving what is that good, and acceptable and perfect will of God (Ro 12:2), and then doing God’s will, prayerfully trusting He will manage the outcome as He wills. (Php 4:6-7) It is trusting God is at work in us (Php 2:13), that He’s empowering us (2Co 3:4-5), and that He will continue to do so. (Php 1:6)
How then do we know whether we’re walking in wisdom and love? We must be observant, studying ourselves, noticing our motives, how we’re feeling and thinking and what we’re ultimately pursuing. Through healthy introspection we keep asking God to search us and know us, revealing the deepest places of our inner selves to us, exposing all which is not Wisdom and Love (Ps 139:23-24), trusting Him to heal us (2Ti 2:25-26) and give us more wisdom (Ja 1:5) and love. (Php 1:9)
Knowing our gifts and calling are from God, and that He expects us to actively engage them in glorifying Him, heals weakness, timidity and indecision. We’re reminded that our worthiness isn’t self-earned but received from God (1Co 4:7), and that we are secure in Him (Re 1:5-6), freeing us to accept ourselves (Ep 1:6) and satisfying our need for validation and affirmation. (1Th 2:4)